A Pripyat Summer - Beer & Loathing in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone


Praise & Dissent for the 1st Edition of A Pripyat Summer

“A bold, thought-provoking, literary masterpiece of indeterminable merit and unparalleled consequence for all mankind… For the scholastically inclined, or for the simply pretentious at heart... Translations are currently pending in Latin, Sanskrit, Aramaic and Danish… ” - New York Post Sunday Supplement

“Seductively beautiful imagery accompanied by a rare insight into the despicable, loathsome, essentially rotten core of contemporary humanity. A highly recommended read.” - Sydney Morning Harold

“Revel in the peoples and the landscapes, the art and architecture, the questionable culture and formidably hazardous cuisine of one of the world’s foremost flea-bitten, back-water, hillbilly shitholes. All this without leaving the comfort of your easy chair... Up, up, and away...” - The Daily Planet

“Confirms everything that we’ve always suspected… Sobering and persuasive intelligence gathered from the Exclusion Zone, presented with style, taste and integrity… A triumph!” - The Milwaukee UFO Digest

“you squeeze you cherry ass out toilet window you think get away all time yes? we are come for you you dead fuck you mother middle in dark night their no place you hide we easy find yes? we cut of you fucking balsack and pressing them long up in you hairy cherry hole in the ass yes?”
- private email correspondence from unknown casino owner to unnamed Belgian photographer

“The pages almost turn by themselves.” - Journal of the Dutch Paranormal Society

“At last! Clear and definitive proof that an infinite number of monkeys typing at random over an infinite amount of time can indeed produce a landmark literary achievement…” - Illustrated Thought

“Probably the least commercial thing I’ve ever read.” - Gestapo

“Provocational… seditious… tasteless… pretentious... undergraduate… swill…” - Newz of the World

“Lowers the bar to the degree that it’s better just to hop over it and be done.” - Limbo Monthly

“A doorstop in the making.” - American House and Lifestyle

“The publishers had the foresight to print the 1st Edition in a handy roll on soft, perforated, uncoated pages… an invaluable resource when trekking…” - Trailblazer - the North American Wilderness Journal

“Undocumented… historically challenged… factually baseless... scandalous… crap... a free pass to a world of hurt, censure, excommunication, jihad, liable suits, international sanctions, and interminable litigation… even the quotes lifted from supposed reviews are utter bullshit…” - Harvard Literary Digest

“Probably the least commercial thing I’ve ever read.” - Gestapo

“A Pripyat Summer takes a lengthy, traumatic, painful and bloodied post-coffee, morning-dump in mankind’s collective Fountain of Knowledge.” - My Little Pony Review

“you think you fuck us in hole in the ass yes? you think you take fucking food from fucking babys mouth yes? we soon come you fuck you mother middle of cold dark night we come press you piece of whore shit platinum master card long down you fucking throat yes? you eat yes? you shit out we again pressing them up you cherry fucking ass we beet you with iron you fix change car tire you puke you up fucking piece of whore shit platinum master card full with you shit we watch we laugh you cry like little girlie bitch yes?”
- private email correspondence from unknown casino owner to unnamed Belgian photographer



Acknowledgements

Colour grading & layout _ Jah Bozo
Fact-checking _ Sofia Jensen, Dip. Legal Secretary _ Ian Wells, B.A.Media 
_ Dr. Roderick Owen, Med.Gynae. _ Morten Langkilde, bibliotiker DB
Additional Photoshopping, editing & layouts _ Edith Fjäs & Casper Rasmussen
Профессор и член палаты експертов по вопросам русского языка и его примeнения
_ Sofia Jensen
Email hacking, malware production, and other nefarious activities
_ Gottfried & Co. @ the Royal Swedish Beer Squadron
Management @ Mabel The Label _ Morten Langkilde and Jah Bozo
(Mis-)management @ Mabel The Label _ Herman Crash-Bang
Printing (1st Edition) _ Mr.Pogoa’s Custom Photocopy Service, Apia, Samoa

Thanks to:

The staff of the Ministry Of Ukraine Of Emergencies And Affairs Of Population Protection From 
The Consequences Of The Chernobyl Catastrophe’s 
State Enterprise Agency of Information, International Co-operation and Development
Pripyat Visitor’s Hostel
Queen Daenerys Targaryen @ Pripyat Provisional Store and Café Bar
The Ibah Chrezmerno-kozloobladateli Victim Fan-base Committee
The Ibah Menkov Heritage Foundation
Loy’s Platinum Master Card™ (actually his dad’s, but what the fuck...)
Bogdan and Varvara Khanenko, curators of the Makar Ustinov Collection
@ The Museum of Western and Oriental Art, Kiev

Special thanks to: 

Natacha & Boris and the Department of Tourism of the 
Independent Democratic Republic of the Ukraine
Sus & Ea
The Chernopripezd of Lake Bostok, whatever you may be...
The Belgians (Jolly good sports!)

Extra special thanks to: 

Søren, Tea, Michel, Jan Emil, Morten Umpff, and Sandra Bullock

Dedicated to our fellow Bezkozlie

_________________________________________________________

Forward to the 1st Edition

Well, heir it is!

Herman Crash-Bang, 
Label Manager @ Mabel the Label,
Apia, Samoa

Forward to the 2nd Edition

By way of explanation, it is worth mentioning that our label manager - Herman “I have a Ferrari?!” Crash-Bang - is a notoriously difficult individual to track down. Or contact... Herman tends to divide his time between his Hamburg office (soon relocating to the Caymans), the international Formula 1 circuit, and his down-time summer-house in Apia, Samoa.

During his most recent sojourn to the Pacific, a lo-res PDF of the unfinished draft of this work from Mabel the Label’s Copenhagen office snailed its way through Herman’s 64k modem. We thought it perfectly clear that we sought merely to update him on the current, miserable state of the publication. As well as to secure some considerable financial assistance towards its publication and printing. Oh... and for small things like an actual layout, and colour-grading. He misunderstood. Of course. 100 copies were run off at the Apia Custom Photocopy Service. These he more or less stapled together, then mailed to a curious hodge-podge of reviewers across the globe.

Mr. Pogoa (proprietor of the photocopy store and, by his own admission, a decent, upright, Christian gentleman) took offence at some of the volume’s content and made a special edition on soft, perforated rolls of un-coated, 3-ply, recyclable paper. Some of these, too, found their way to reviewer’s desks.

Sadly, the original “published” draft was not without its fair share of inaccuracies. Some personal notes and research were lost on the night prior to our departure from the Ukraine, in a frenzied leave-taking through a dodgy Kiev casino’s toilet window. (But that’s another story.) It was therefore necessary to reconstruct these notes from memories ravaged by excesses that only a “borrowed” Platinum Master Card™ can enable. Admittedly, our first attempts achieved only a modicum of success.

However, we have striven assiduously in this the second edition (as such) to ensure the veracity of the basic information herein and to present a true and factual insight into the fascinating culture, history and traditions of the environs in and around the ancient, more-or-less abandoned city of Pripyat. 
The adventures which produced A Pripyat Summer (as well as its exquisite sequel, A Pripyat Winter) have been a significant growing and learning experience for both author, and esteemed photographer alike. (The Ukraine actually lies south-west of Russia, not east!!! Whoever would have thought...?!?!) We sincerely trust that our unpresuming, literary offering will likewise educate, enlighten, and inspire.

Jah Bozo, 
Urbex Shit-kicker @ Mabel the Label
Copenhagen, Denmark


___________________________________________________________________

День первый – В зоне отчуждения
Den’ pervyy – V zone otchuzhdeniya
Day 1 – Into the Exclusion Zone

Пересечение в зоне отчуждения
Peresecheniye v zone otchuzhdeniya
Crossing into the Exclusion Zone

Bathed in the fresh, bright glow of early summer, the borderlands to the Exclusion Zone are about an hours’ journey north from the Ukrainian capital, Kiev, by express coach. Or under 20 minutes with our heavy-footed, state-certified driver regarding every chance encounter in traffic as paramount to a Lauda-Hunt face-off. We arrive mid-morning and well ahead of schedule at the Exclusion Zone’s borderlands.

Package tours to the area draw bus-loads of the morbidly curious from around the globe, and today is no exception.  A gaggle of Irish tourists saunter around by their bus in the exceptional weather, chatting buoyantly, and snapping pictures of the guards, the indigenous guides, and each other. 
A unique festive atmosphere dominates here at the gateway to the contaminated lands surrounding Pripyat and Chernobyl. Perhaps it is the exhilaration and anticipation of entering an area so infamous, perilous, and haunted by its historical and cultural demons; perhaps it is the warm weather and the vast expanse of the blue Ukrainian heavens. 


More likely than not, though, it is the samples of Nonicca beers and chocolates that are being surreptitiously supplied to the crowd by the entrepreneurial guides and bus chauffeurs. Numerous local foodstuffs are traditionally infused with the powerful narcotic extracted from Nonicca flowers, which, although popular among the tourists, can exact a heavy toll on the unwary.

By the time we arrive, the Irish are sucking down Nonicca like there will be no tomorrow. And for them this will probably be the case. A serious Nonicca binge will typically culminate in a deep, death-like coma lasting 24 hours or more. Hotel proprietors in Kiev and other nearby towns and hamlets are naturally delighted to accommodate the bus-loads of bug-eyed disaster voyeurs on day-trips to the Exclusion Zone as they tend not to create a disturbance (usually returning to their rooms on stretchers) and almost always stay a day or two longer than originally anticipated…

However, common sense dictates that you are at the mercies of your coach and driver when in such a state, and in Kiev tales are told in hushed whispers of theft, rape, and other unmentionable atrocities committed on the persons of the inebriated.

Even the pimping of the comatose to the Bezkozlie (the so-called “Goatless”) for small change is not unheard of, despite it being a capital offence throughout the Ukraine.
Understandably, we’ve chosen an accredited state-run tour with a friendly, reliable driver with Formula 1 aspirations, and an informative, forthright and charming guide - Boris and Natasha respectively.






Kommentarer